Not being myself

I was not able to be myself everytime I make jokes to colleagues in my office. Friendship had fade since mid last year when they organise a dinner to Bukit Genting at Teluk Kumbar. I told them my experience there when the first time I went up there. It was kinda freak me out, I witness a Proton Iswara slide down the slope if it wasn't a big rock that hold it in its position then this car would have had going down the steep hill reversely.

I told them all this just to make them aware of the danger driving up there. My motive was to make them aware of the danger but they take it as I was purposely scare them by saying all this and some even think that I made this up. My buddy (he was my manager now and was the person who introduce me into this company) even said to others that I was chicken to go up there.

Then something happen to me in November last year which I had to "swallow a dead cat" (in cantonese they call it "sek sei mao") for something I was not aware off. It was a project that was implement at one of our customer which I was in the mailng lists at the beginning and the ending. What happen in between the project I was not informed at all as I wasn't in the mailing lists anymore. Then suddently something happen to the project, a big issue accussed by the customer that it was belong to the malfunction of the products we sold to them. The technical person who handle this project suddently drag me into it and want me to help solving it. It wasn't that I doesn't want to help but I was not managing the project from beginning. How am I going to help by suddently pulling me into it? I know nothing except for when and where the project started and ended. The person incharge then complained to my manager and this had made me an uncooperative person among colleagues.

After the above incidents and some others small small matters, I had pull myself out from all activities organise by them like karaoke, movie, dinner, etc. I just don't see myself in it or why should I join them for all these activities.

Last night they organise another dinner at BUkit Tambun, I initially told them I would join them but I fly them a concord airplane last minute. Being together with them will make me very uncomfortable especially when chit chatting. Everytime I had to think twice before saying something or making jokes. I just can't see myself in the group anymore, lots of things had change.

For me at the moment, friendship doesn't exist in this office environment other than the two new technician, the new sales girl and my department's admin (not the bitch admin from Engineering on the post below). Of course there are still some other colleagues that I think they are neutral but I don't talk to them much or I don't deal with them often.